As the sun rose this morning I quickly found myself retreating to the bathroom for a hot shower. This has become my refuge when I am feeling overwhelmed as a cancer caretaker. Last night I tried to be strong as words from my mothers mouth scared me for the first time. As my mom was speaking to Jay (her significant other), I overheard part of their phone conversation.

My mom was having a really tough evening when the call came in. She wasn't feeling quite up to par, but the response that I would overhear took me by surprise. As she spoke with Jay about his progress on building her new home, she commented that not to worry because she didn't believe she would make it back. What? Did I hear her right? I quickly tried to dismiss it as a misunderstanding. As they concluded their conversation, mom closed her eyes and went to sleep.

It wasn't long before another call came in. I answered the call only to find Jay on the other end. He asked me if my mother was okay. Quite concerned by her response earlier, he felt the need to call back. I tried to reassure him that no one can determine the hour of our death besides our maker. I understood his concern, but I didn't want to accept the reality of mom's words. I told Jay that mom has good days and bad days and unfortunately this happened to be a very bad day. The reason it caught me off guard is even when in great pain, mom does not speak negatively. I tired to comfort Jay with my words but I know his heart was hurting. He assured me he would call and check up on her the next day.

Mom and I spoke today about how she was feeling. She said that she was having terrible back pain. I was glad to hear her finally express some of her discomfort. I pray each day that God will keep her spirits high and allow her not to suffer to much. Soon the weekend will be over and we will be back at the hospital. I actually look forward to labs on Monday to see if they can give us some answers.

It is not how we die, but how we live.

Live and love life!